Ahhhhhh, my mother can be sooooo French sometimes.
It appears I got something "special" in the mail. This "special mail" actually went to my parents' house more than 40 miles away to a house where I haven't lived in for some time.
Our Heroine's Mother Who's Acting Like She's 12: You got mail here today.
Our Heroine: Unh-hunh. Who's trying to get me to give them money this time? My high school? My college? I know it's not the ACLU. They already know where I live.
OHMWALS12: [giggling] It's a free sample.
Our Heroine: [suspicious] What is it?
OHMWALS12: I think it should be a surprise. [gets off phone and yells to Our Heroine's father in the background] It's a federal offense to open someone else's mail, right honey?
OHFather: [yells from background] Leave me out of it!
OHMWALS12: Can I open it? Hunh? I can open it if you say I can.
Our Heroine: Knock yourself out.
[sounds of ripping]
[sounds OHMWALS12 giggling]
Our Heroine: [groans] This is going to be good, is't it?
OHMWALS12: [portentiously clears throat, begins reading] "Are you battling that dry feeling?"
Our Heroine: I got a skin lotion sample?
OHMWALS12: "Do you miss that wet and wild feeling?"
Our Heroine: I got a free bath oil sample?
OHMWALS12: "Are you afraid of getting intimate?"
Our Heroine: I got an trial offer for a dating service?
OHMWALS12: "Introducing Loving Touch, for that personal celebration on Valentine's Day."
Our Heroine: [being a thicko] Wha?
OHMWALS12: It's lube!
Our Heroine: [boggles that her 65-year-old mother 1) knows what lube is; 2) is pleased as punch she's got a sample in her hands; 3) seems to have no problems that it was addressed to her daughter]
OHMWALS12: You don't have any plans for this, do you?
Our Heroine: [momentarily thinks of saying "yes" just to give OHMWALS12 a heart attack, but stupidly changes her mind] Ummmm, if I really needed any, I can go down the street and buy it. I'm not going to travel 40-plus miles just for a free sample.
OHMWALS12: Can I have it?
OHFather: [from the background] Gah!
Our Heroine: Gah!
OHMWALS12: If you really want it, I can save it for you.
OHFather: [from the background] WHAT?!?!?!
Our Heroine: Nononononononono. Do whatever you want with it.
And that, people, is why I call my mother almost every day...