liz_marcs (liz_marcs) wrote,
liz_marcs
liz_marcs

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Oh, hell no! I won't go!

Anyone remembering seeing this charming story out of Six Flags in Kentucky?

This, this, is why I fear amusement parks.

No, no. That's not entirely true.

I fear amusement parks because I fear heights.

And I don't mean, "fear leik wh0a!"

I mean, "fear with the knowledge that I am surely going to die right this second, damn you, AND NOW GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE OR I WILL KILL MAIM AND COMMIT OTHER CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY JUST TO MAKE SURE I GET OUT OF THIS CLUSTERFUCK ALIVE AND IN ONE PIECE AND IF THAT MEANS CRAWLING OVER YOUR BATTERED CORPSE TO DO IT I WILL YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

No. My capslock didn't get stuck. That's pretty much what happens when the unmixy things of moi and heights come together.

(Just ask kurukami what happens when I'm too far off the ground. On second thought...don't. Just...don't.)

Now, don't get me wrong. When I was a kid, I loved amusement park death machines, despite going high and fast. I think in the back of my mind I had this idea that I would die on impact if something went wrong.

Why this seemed perfectly okay in my little kid brain, I'll never know.

Then again, when I was kid the death machines were a lot less death-y, if you get my drift.

However, get me near a Ferris wheel even back then...

Actually, you wouldn't get me near a Ferris wheel. Because if you got me within 100 feet of a Ferris wheel, yours truly would not only squirm out of your grip, but would make like Speedy Gonzales to the other side of the park.

Ferris wheel? Nunh-unh. You want to go on the Ferris wheel? You go on the Ferris wheel. By yourself. As in, "without me."

Somewhere along the way that fear of heights kicked up a notch to the point where I wouldn't even go to amusement parks. I would get physically ill at the very thought. I think it's because sometime between my kid-hood and my college-hood, just about every damn ride in your average amusement park had extreme height added into the equation.

And when I say extreme height, I mean "higher off the ground than a Ferris wheel."

I mean, seriously, who in their right mind wants to be dropped 154 feet at 54 miles an hour? No, really? Who are these insane people? And how can I avoid them?

Just the thought of doing it...I'm going fetal at my keyboard just at the thought of even going on such a ride, let alone losing my feet when I do.

I feel bad for the girl, don't get me wrong, but....afkjafksiaskdlajdlksdfljfslaq

Sorry. I had a bit of a tremor. Amusement park accidents really make me want to crawl under the bed and hide. The more gruesome the accident, the longer I want to hide under the bed.

Truthfully, I always was terrified of heights. When I was 10 I stamped my foot and prepared to launch a temper tantrum that would end the world rather than step foot inside the World Trade Center in NYC (luckily I didn't have to since my dad loves heights even less than I do). When I was 9 I positively refused to step foot in the Washington Monument (I forget which parent babysat me while my brother the freak went up the monument with another parent).

Even today I've been known to crouch in the corner of any elevator in any sky scraper that's traveling in an upwardly mobile direction until the trip is over. (Ask sunnyd_lite about that. On second thought...don't. Just don't. And also don't ask her about the fact that I nearly passed out before stepping on the elevator.)

I paid a few thousand dollars to move just because the thought of crossing the Tobin Bridge one. more. day. was enough to drive me to the edge of a nervous breakdown.

I told everyone it was because of the hellish commute because I didn't want anyone to think I was that much of a coward. But really, it was that damned bridge that pushed me over the edge. I didn't care how much debt I went into. I didn't care if I'd be paying that debt off for the rest of my natural life. No price was too high to avoid a daily trip over the Tobin.

That's Grade A fear, peoples. Truly, it is.

Yet, weirdly, I'm perfectly okay on airplanes (except takeoff and landing). I'm okay on mountain tops.

Other than that? Pffffft. It takes an act of will to deal.

Do you know what kind of amusement park would make a zillion dollars the opening day? An amusement park with a lot of rides that are low to the ground. The rides can be as death-y as the amusement park wants, just keep it low to the ground.

Yeah. I think that could be a real winner.
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