Heeee! The way to explain the plot is too funny not to do this.
[insert grumbling about memories not working]
Water Hold Me Down
Xander: So, let me get this straight: You're me, Anya's Anya, Faith's Faith, Giles is Rupert, Buffy is dead, Dawn is dead, Willow is insane, you're married to Anya, and you have a daughter, who happens to be a Slayer, which you didn't know about.
Alternative Universe Xander: You forgot that I hate you.
Xander: Right now, I don't like me so much myself, but I'm willing to get over the guilt if I can kick your ass.
Alternative Universe Xander: Someone has issss-ueeees.
Xander: Only one.
Alternative Universe Xander: Only one?
Xander: Yup. You're a [bleeped for language].
Alternative Universe Xander: That's more than one word. [pause] You can stop talking now. [pause] No. Really. [pause] That list is getting a little long.
Faith: You're going on a date.
Xander: No I'm not.
Faith: She's awesome.
Xander: Then you date her.
Xander: Only if it doesn't have teeth. I want li'l Xander's head to stay attached to the joystick.
The Truth About the Wizard of Oz
Giles: Being the head of the Council is so bloody difficult.
Buffy: Partying in Rome is not as much fun as I thought it would be.
Xander: I hate my life and I think someone on the Council's out to get me.
Willow: I brought presents for the big Scooby reunion! They're magic and everything!
Giles, Buffy, Xander [together]: Because we all know that always goes well.
Crow: Hey! Shiny things!
Willow: Hey! Come back here with those magically enhanced gifts!
Giles: Oh dear.
Buffy: Yup. Going really well.
Xander: You realize that crow is going to kick our ass, right? Thanks a lot, Will.
Faith: Hey! What's this in Wyndham-Price's office?
Meet Alex Hill
BtVS Post-'Chosen'/AtS Post-'Never Fade Away'
Spike: If I wanted to do Rainman, I'd rent the bloody movie.
Xander: Who are you calling Rainman?
Spike: You, you oik!
Xander: HEY! I'm much saner than Tom Cruise.
Spike: No you aren't, and that's even before the false memory overlay. I plan to kick Red's arse when we get out of this.
Xander: Would that be before or after those demons over there dust you and then rip my head off and rumage through the squishy bits in my brain looking for that spell?
Spike: *grabs Xander and starts running* Smartarse!
Untitled Death-by-a-thon Entry
Kennedy: Willow and I broke up, so I'm staying in Rome with you guys.
Buffy: Hey! Get your feet off my coffee table!
Xander: Unh, can we not involve me in the drama? I'm just visiting Buffy until I figure out where I want to go post-Africa.
Kennedy: Andrew! Get out of my way! I had that demon in my sights!
Buffy: Wow! Xander! Were you always that muscle-y?
Xander: Hunh? Hey! Stop touching me like that!
Kennedy: That's only because Buffy hasn't had a real man around since she broke up with the Immortal.
Andrew: I've lived here!
Kennedy: Exactly my point.
Xander: Buffy? I love you. I do. But I've seen what happens to your ex-boyfriends. No desire to be part of the roadkill that is your lovelife.
Xander: Plus, still angsting over Anya.
Buffy: Ooooo! Angst!
Xander: Maybe a wrong choice of word...
Andrew: [sighing] They really deserve to find happiness in each other's arms. They've had such tragic lives.
Kennedy: Will you just stop it? You're such an idiot.
Andrew: Kennedy is so mean to me. I wish she'd understand what it's like to always fight an uphill battle and never win and never have anyone willing to help you.
Xander and Buffy: DON'T SAY WISH!
Random Vengeance Demon: Done!
Demonus Warner Brutherous: MEEP! MEEP!
BtVS Post-'Chosen'/AtS post-'Never Fade Away'
Xander: Check it out. My life's together. I have a NORMAL girlfriend. My Watcher gig is going well. Cleveland doesn't suck. Yup. Life is looking up for the Xand-man.
Buffy: Spike's coming to Cleveland deliver a book.
Xander: And suddenly I have the overwhelming desire to leave town with my girlfriend.
Robin: At last. We can agree on something.
Xander: Find your own escape plan. While a threesome is a dream of mine, I won't do it if you're involved.
Giles: I need soap to wash that image out of my mind.
Baby Slayers [in unison]: Hey!
Xander: Or no threesomes ever! Stop glaring at me like that!
Faith: Sorry. No one can leave. Rampaging demon on the loose. Poisonous spines. Certain death if you get hit because there's no antidote.
Xander: Figures. My flawless escape plan shot in the head by necessity.
Illyria: I find the man with one eye man strangely compelling.
Everyone: There's a shock.
Xander: Great. I've got an annoyed girlfriend. The Baby Slayers think I'm a perv. Spike is visiting. There's a rampaging demon on the loose. And some ancient god-king wants to find a "suitable mate" for me. At least I know my week can't get any worse.
Spike: *smacks Xander upside the head* Now you've bloody well done it!
Det. Diego Rodriegez: You were seen chasing after the perp in a stolen police car!
Xander: Technically, we borrowed it.
Det. Diego Rodriegez: You can't "borrow" a police car!
Buffy: But we returned it.
Det. Diego Rodriegez: You brought it back totaled!
Buffy: That's because a truck tried to run us over.
Xander: What she said.
Det. Diego Rodriegez: WHERE IS SHE?
Buffy: Where's who?
Det. Diego Rodriegez: The woman that trashed our police station and helped two men escape!
Xander: Did she also punch that hole in the wall OUTSIDE of the police station?
Det. Diego Rodriegez: YES!
Xander: You couldn't catch her while she was driving construction equipment?
Det. Diego Rodriegez: There was no...
Buffy: So how'd she do it? With her bare hands?
Det. Diego Rodriegez: Unh, when you put it that way...
Buffy: I mean, it's a stupid way to tear apart a brick wall, right? It ruins the manicure.
BtVS Post-'Chosen'/Monarch of the Glen post-Lexie and Archie marriage
Buffy: It's good to get away from supernatural weirdness and just relax.
Xander: Why am I here at the Watcher's retreat? I quit, remember?
Faith: Right. And I didn't see you sneaking around with a stake and chasing after that guy with the atlers glued to his head.
Golly: You didn't go after Red Legged Jack, did you?
Xander: Never heard of him. And Faith's imagining things.
Faith: Did I imagine pulling you out of that well after you fell in it while chasing after the guy with atlers with an axe?
Giles: I rather suspected you hadn't retired.
Xander: I plead the fifth.
Buffy: I knew it!
Duncan: What happens when you chase after Red Legged Jack with weapons?
Golly: Trouble, Dunc. Real trouble.
Lexie: Excuse me! Will someone please clear the infestation of fairies out of the castle?
Willow: Oooooo, pretty!
Archie: They're biting the guests! And the plumbing is backed up again! And the food's gone off! It's a disaster!
Giles: That means they're rather upset with someone staying here. I wonder who and why?
Faith and Xander: WHOOPS!
We're not getting into the stuff that are nothing more than pipe dreams, 'kay? This entry's long enough.