liz_marcs (liz_marcs) wrote,
liz_marcs
liz_marcs

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Dear Lazy-Ass Bitch Next Door,

We share a two-car driveway. I know you know this.

Every time there is a snow storm, I go out and shovel my half of our very long shared driveway. I shovel down to the pavement. I shovel through the snowbank that is left behind by snowplows. I do this because I do not want to get up at 5 a.m. to shovel my ass out.

Now, I do this not just because I want to get to work sometime before it's time to go home. I do this so I can pull my car out of the driveway so our landlord can send in the snowplow to clean the part that I don't shovel. As you know, the snowplow will not snowplow us out unless our cars are not in the driveway. They don't want to be responsible for damaging our cars. I don't blame them.

I have lived here two years. I am going on my third winter here.

I think you should know. I've noticed a pattern with you.

I go out and shovel. You wait for me to go out and shovel. I know this because I've played the waiting game with you. I've sat on my ass in my apartment and waited for you to go out first. You never do. I must go out first before you so much as poke your nose outside.

I've also noticed something else. The second I'm done digging out my half of the driveway, the second I crawl into my apartment full of stiff muscle soreness, you come tripping out your apartment with your little shovel.

Do you shovel your half of our shared driveway?

No.

What you do is dig out the front of your car just enough so you can drive onto the part that I've shoveled. As a result, we essentially have a one-car driveway during snowstorms.

This pisses me off to no end.

Now, I've confronted you about this. I've asked you why you don't do your share of the shoveling.

You have given me the following reasons:

  • I am much older than you. I am XX years old, so I don't have your youth and strength.

My response: You're XX years old? Lady, I am 2 years older than you are. I take comfort in the fact that you think you're "old." That means your mindset is much older than me. It also means you'll die a lot younger than I will. Mind over matter, after all.

  • Because I'm older than you, you're much healthier and stronger than my weak, old body.

My response: The really hilarious thing about this is that if someone looked at us side-by-side, they'd think you're the healthier one because you're thinner than I am. They might also think that you're stronger. Now, to be fair, before I tore apart my knee three years ago, I ran and I lifted weights. I was never a skinny minnie, by any stretch of the imagination. It is entirely possible that I am a hell of a lot healthier and stronger than you are. However, if you play the age card one more time, I will choke a bitch, 'kay?

  • I am a weak woman without a man in her life. Therefore, shoveling is such a chore for me because I am a weak woman without a man in her life.

My response: And thank yooooouuuuuuu for setting back feminism to the 1950s, bitch. I don't know if you've noticed, but I am a single woman. I not only can land a job that enables me to support myself, I can shovel out my own damn half of the driveway without a big, strong man to help me. Now, perhaps it is my can-do attitude that has resulted in me being dateless for longer than I care to think about. But do you know what? Any guy who is threatened by my ability to shovel my own ass out is probably not a guy I want to date. Just saying.

Furthermore, I feel I should point out: you very clearly have "a man" in your life capable of shoveling your ass out. Sadly, I appear to be that man. Now, I don't know if you've noticed, but my tits are a hell of a lot bigger than yours. I can only assume that you need glasses.

I apologize for the bitchiness of this rant. You see? I've just spent the past hour-and-a-half shoveling my own ass out so I'll be able to get out of my half of the driveway in the morning.

There is 18 inches of snow out there. It's deeper in parts because of snow drifts. It is approximately 18 degrees F. Factor in the windchill factor, it is 6 degrees F below zero because the wind is blowing approximately 24 mph.

I am still shivering. My upper back muscles are screaming. I am very, very cranky.

However, I noticed that not 20 minutes after I walked into my apartment looking like a snowman, you've come tra-la-laing out with your cute little shovel and you are, once again, being a lazy-ass bitch.

Fuck you. Fuck your shovel. And fuck your "older" ass.

No love,

Me
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