liz_marcs (liz_marcs) wrote,

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I Love the Whole World, Even the Weirdness of Complete Strangers


I get this random call on my cell phone this morning from a half-panicked guy demanding to know who I am, and why I sent him a text message that said, "I luv it wen u do it like that."

What follows is an exchange wherein I determine that someone's marriage is already toast, even though the male half of the equation seems utterly unaware of this state of affairs.

Just to set you up for the dramatis personae:

  • Our Heroine (OH)
  • Dead Man Walking (DMW)

Cue cell phone ringtone "Mean to Me" by Crowded House...

Cell phone ringing: "I could not escape//A plea from the heart//You know what it means to me//She said don't walk away//I'm down on my knees//So please don't be mean to me...

Our Heroine (OH): [fumbling with phone] Yes, yes? Hello?

Dead Man Walking (DMW) [angry] Who is this?

OH: [pulls phone away from ear, stares at number, notices that there's no name attached to the number, puts phone back at ear] Who wants to know?

DMW: Me!

OH: Look, you called me, therefore I get to ask the questions.

DMW: Is this Lizbeth?

OH: [suspicious] Maybe.

DMW: Why did you text me?!?!

OH: I don't text.

DMW: [really angry] Well, I got a text message from this number!

OH: You sure you're calling the right number?

DMW: Is this 1-555-YOU-SUCK? {<---Note: This is, in fact, not my actual number}

OH: That is indeed. But I still didn't text you.

DMW: [getting pissed off] I have your number right here! You did text me!

OH: Sorry. No.

DMW: You did!

OH: I don't care how many times you repeat it. It's still not true. And it's not going to become true no matter how many times you say it. [pauses before adding in a chipper voice] I'm hanging up now. Have a nice day!

DMW: Wait, wait! My wife called you last night!

OH [decides to not to hang up just to see how far this guy is willing to go to get...well...whatever it is he's after] Didn't hear the phone ring. Then again, I don't exactly carry my cell phone everywhere with me, like when I'm throwing out the trash. Or taking a shower.

DMW: [sounding vaguely panicked] See, my wife was looking at my cell phone and she found a text message from you—

OH: No she didn't.

DMW: She did!

OH: Not from me she didn't. I don't know how many times you want me to explain this, but I. Don't. Text. I don't want to spend the money for it. If I want to talk to someone, I call them. Texting is too much of a pain in the ass and it's too damn expensive.

DMW: [now getting hysterical] Fine! She found a text from this number! She did, I swear! And it said: "I luv it wen u do it like that." So my wife found it and she got mad. So she decided to call the number and find out who it was from. I guess she got your voicemail, because she did have your name. So I come home and she starts screaming at me about what was I doing receiving text messages from a Lizbeth! She was furious! And she won't believe me when I tell her that I have no idea who you are!

OH: [now feeling slightly guilty, because clearly this guy is in hot water] Oh! You jogged my memory...

DMW: [sounding hopeful] Yes?

OH: I did receive a call last night, but I think it came in while I was tossing the garbage.

DMW: [deflated] Oh.

OH: Yeah, before I went to bed last night, I noticed a number I didn't recognize on my incoming calls list. Since they didn't leave a message, and I didn't see a name attached to the number, I just assumed it was a wrong number and erased it.

DMW: And you didn't text anyone.

OH How many times do you need me to repeat myself? Because the story's not going to change no matter how many times you ask me.

[Very long pause]

DMW: [clears throat, sounds a little guilty] You don't happen to live in Camelot {<---Note: Not the name of a real town}, do you?

OH: [begins to think 'the wife,' if real, may have a reason to be suspicious] Do you honestly expect me to answer that question?

DMW: [mumbling] Guess not. [louder] I just don't understand how I got a text message from you if you didn't send it.

OH: Let me repeat this one more time: I did not send you a text message last night or any other—

DMW: Oh! Not last night. More than two years ago.

OH: [suddenly pissed] What the hell did you just say?

DMW: See, this text came in on my old cell phone. I was testing it to see if it still worked, and when I was done charging the battery, I found all these old text messages on it. This text came in on April 14 and it was more than 2 years ago.

OH: [bites tongue so hard that she can taste blood] So, let me get this straight: You called me, a random stranger, and basically yelled and hollered that I was lying about sending you a text message—

DMW: [attempts to interrupt] I didn't—

OH: [does actually interrupt] And it turns out that the text message in question wasn't sent last night, but actually more than 2 years ago. Which means that even if I did send the message, there's no way I'd even remember sending it. Do I understand you correctly that this is the case?

DMW: [hopeful] So you might've sent me a text message 2 years ago?

OH: Not a chance, because, and I'm repeating myself here, I. Don't. Text. In addition, even if I was a texting fool, there's still no way that I sent that text.

DMW: But you said yourself that you wouldn't necessarily remember—

OH: I got this phone number after you received your mysterious text.

DMW: [defeated] Oh.

OH: I know this because I just got my free upgrade to a new cell phone from Verizon to celebrate my anniversary. And I had switched to Verizon from another carrier and decided to get a new cell phone number to go with it. So, you've basically involved a complete stranger in the middle of this.

DMW: [hopeful] Ummmm, is it okay if my wife calls you when she gets home so you can tell her this? She won't believe me.

OH: [thinks: "Wow. Someone's marriage is fucked."] Sure. Why not? But if she doesn't believe you, I'm pretty sure she's not going to believe me.

DMW: [relieved] Thank you. Thank you very much. [pause] If you don't mind my asking, what town do you live in?

OH: [rolling eyes] There isn't a chance in hell I'm going to answer that question.

DMW: Fair enough.

=+= end call =+=

So, it's not everyday I get a random stranger calling me and accusing me of being a mad texter bent on destroying their rapidly crumbling marriage. I'm not sure whether to be amused or feel sorry for the guy.

In other news, I'll be attending my first yoga class in, oh, *mumble mumble mumble* years. Either I'll snap like cheap plywood, or I'll tie myself into a tangled pretzel and will need emergency medical care.

And finally, because I want to leave off on an upbeat, cheerful note, "I Love the Whole World" from the Discovery Channel. (Watch for the Mythbusters Boyz where in Adam sets Jamie on fire!) It's different from the one they're actually showing on the network, but still cool nonetheless.


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