liz_marcs (liz_marcs) wrote,

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Call Out the National Guard! New Hampshire's Being Invaded!


[Fun fact: When I was in college, the chairman if the Democratic Party for the State of New Hampshire was an adjunct professor in JO203: Politics and the Press at Boston University. Or, as he liked to put it: "I'm the guy in New Hampshire who's got less pull than the cup of coffee in my hand. Pity me." Joe, my man, this one's for you...]

A Declaration

Resolved: Whereas the State of Connecticut, Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, the State of Vermont, and the State of Maine are radioactive blue in their politics, the citizenry have behooved themselves to come to the aid of the New Hampshire Democratic Party.

To Wit: The citizens of State of Connecticut, Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, the State of Vermont, and the State of Maine are called upon to invade the State of New Hampshire on a daily basis Until They Cry Uncle or November 5, whichever comes last.

In deference to the rights and dignity of good people of the State of New Hampshire, citizens residing in the other states within the New England Confederation have pledged the following:

State of Connecticut: The citizenry of the State of Connecticut have agreed to not harangue nor abuse any voter or potential voter who brings up Senator Lieberman's name. Nor will they engage in an extemporaneous 5-hour rant about about Lieberman Lied to Them and that They'll Get that Fucker Next Time He Comes Begging for Their Vote.

Rhode Island and Providence Plantations (aka, Yes, That Is Our Official State Name, You Wanna Make Something of It Tough Guy?): Promises to leave all members of the Mafia and retirees from the Mafia at home. This means that all state dignitaries are hereby banned from physically crossing the border into the State of New Hampshire until after the election. However, said state dignitaries are welcome to Do Their Bit by wiring the requested payoffs to voters and potential voters who are Open to Bribery into numbered off-shore accounts. Preferably the Cayman Islands.

Commonwealth of Massachusetts: Citizens have agreed to publicly refrain from referring to the State of New Hampshire as "Cow Hampshire" or "New Hamsters," nor will they refer to residents of the State of New Hampshire as "Those Ignorant Hicks." They will further refrain from calling the Manchester Union-Leader the Manchester Union-Misleader." In deference to the delicate sensibilities of the populace of the Commonwealth, however, they are allowed to whisper these terms of endearment in their own cars with the windows rolled up where voters and potential voters can't hear them.

State of Vermont: Upon being told that Senator Barack Obama is the Most Liberal Senator Ever, the citizens have agreed to refrain from Looking Meaningfully at anyone from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and ask, "More liberal than Teddy Kennedy? Really? Are you high?" They will, instead, say, "More liberal than our senator, Bernie Sanders? Really? Because our senator is a Socialist, so I'm thinking he's got Obama beat." Then, to shore up their Socialist 'street cred,' they will liberally and freely distribute Ben & Jerry's Phish Food and Birkenstocks to every voter and potential they meet.

State of Maine: Citizens have agreed refrain from slipping Stephen King Tales of Terror that use the names of the wavering voter, any registered Republican, or McCain supporter or their pets through the mail slot in recognition that it might be construed as A Threat, and could be actionable under state and federal laws.

These articles of agreement have been ratified by a 3/4 vote of all attendees in the interests of Good Neighbor Politics and in Solidifying Our Love and Support for the People of New Hampshire.

Flag of the New England Confederation: Revolutionary War Era

Why, yes! I campaigned in New Hampshire today. More following in the morning when I'm not quite so loopy and tired.

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