Be warned: Unbeta'd. And it really is a quick story.
Title: The Slayer of Pine Cove, California
Summary: Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Outland, combat mistress of the hot-oil arena, slayer of monsters, menace to mutants, scourge of the sand pirates, sworn protector of the cud-beast herdsmen of Lan, and intramural Blood Champion of the Termite People (mounds seven through twelve inclusive), discovers her true calling.
Characters: Xander, Buffy, Faith, Theo Crowe, Molly Michon
Genre: Humor. Cross-over between BtVS and The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove by Christopher Moore. [Yes! I wrote a cross-over! Shut up!]
Posting Permission: Yes. Let me know first.
Warning: Hints of a B/F/X threesome relationship. Spoilers for BtVS, The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove, and for the heck of it, The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror.
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters. Xander, Buffy, and Faith are owned by FOX, Mutant Enemy, and Joss Whedon. Theo Crowe and Molly Michon are owned by Christopher Moore. I'm just playin' with them.
Author's Note: You're not reading Christopher Moore? For god's sake! Why not?
Theo was rolling a joint the size of a telephone pole. “Don’t tell Molly. She and me have a deal. If she takes her meds, I don’t take mine. But since you need her to be off the meds so you can test her full reflexes, I think I get to…”
“Aren’t you a cop?” Xander interrupted as he watched Theo’s efficient joint-rolling operation.
“’M a constable,” Theo mumbled as he slipped the joint between his lips. “It’s more of a…”
“But doesn’t that make you the man? Or at least the man-like?” Xander’s one visible eyebrow crawled up his forehead as he watched Theo flick his bic and take a deep toke.
Man, the patch thing the kid had was doing fucked up things to Theo’s head. Given all the information dumped in his and Molly’s lap in the past two days, he was afraid to ask Xander what happened to the eye. “Private stash,” Theo explained after pausing long enough to swallow and release the stream of smoke. “Saved it in case of emergency.”
“Well, this isn’t so much a case of an emergency as it’s a twist in the plot I guess.” Xander automatically took the joint when Theo handed it to him. He gave it a confused look, like he wasn’t exactly sure what he should be doing with it.
Molly’s voice rang out from the backyard. “Stand down, mutants! By Nigoth the Worm God, I shall destroy you all and scatter your body parts to the four winds! But first, I need to refill my water bottle.”
“She is…umm…enthusiastic,” Xander said as he stood there with the smoldering joint in his hand.
Theo gently plucked it away from Xander’s fingertips. “Do you mind? I only stashed a dime bag away for a rainy day.”
Buffy zipped from behind the house at the speed of full giggle. “Molly’s kicking Faith’s ass!”
“She always knew she was a Slayer,” Theo said proudly as he let out a stream of smoke.
Buffy delicately coughed and waved a hand in front of her face. “How’s that possible? We only activated all the Potentials last year. Unless...”
“She played Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Outland,” Theo interrupted, followed by yet another draw on the joint. “Which I think is like a Slayer, only with less clothes, more swords, and comes with its own Narrator and Stunt Coordinator.”
Xander straightened up and regarded Theo with shock. “She’s Molly Michon? That Molly Michon?”
“Right now she’s Kendra, because you made her stop taking her meds,” Theo reminded him.
“Who’s Molly Michon?” Buffy asked suspiciously.
“Who’s Molly Michon?” Xander asked with hand over heart. “Only the leading lady in many of my adolescent shower fantasies.” He winced. “Not that they were ever dirty adolescent shower fantasies. No, siree. They were clean, very clean shower fantasies where Kendra rescues me from the vicious sand pirates and their mutant allies during a rain storm while wearing a white t-shirt and…stop me now.”
Buffy began giggling again.
“I have to turn in my manly-man card, don’t I?” Xander asked.
“Molly kicks ass,” Theo agreed. “And we’re cool about the shower fantasies. Hell, I have them and I’m married to her.”
Xander tried to change the subject. “So Kendra…I mean Ms. Michon…or is it Mrs. Crowe…”
“Molly’s cool,” Theo amiably agreed as he handed the joint back to Xander, forgetting that the last time he did so Xander had let good smoke go to waste. “Don’t tell Molly. She and me have this little deal,” he reminded Xander again.
“Unh, right. Molly.” Xander was again helplessly staring at the joint like Theo had handed him a snake. “She played Kendra, the Outback Warrior Babe in something like a billion movies made almost ten years ago. Pretty much the same plot. Warrior Babe rides into trouble, usually involving sand pirates or mutants; Warrior Babe reveals herself by throwing off her robes and showing off her metal bikini; Warrior Babe kicks ass; Warrior Babe rides off into the sunset.”
“I thought those sword fights weren’t real,” Buffy’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “They look so fake.”
“You haven’t seen these movies,” Xander enthused.
“Did you miss the part where I showed you Molly’s sword collection?” Theo asked as he took back the joint, this time without scolding Xander for failing to take a toke.
“Well, yeah, but I thought the swords were real,” Buffy pouted.
“They are. They have names. She trains every day.” Theo was nodding so hard that he could feel his head slipping off his neck. He’ll have to be careful. It would be bad if his head fell off in front of their guests.
“And she is kicking Faith’s ass, like you said,” Xander pointed out. “Can you remember a single newbie Slayer that’s ever done that?”
Buffy opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by Molly’s ringing voice echoing from the back of the house, “The sunlight is bringing out your mutant heritage, villain. You can’t confuse me with your human disguise!”
“Hey! Who the fuck are you calling a mutant, freak?” Faith yelled back.
“You’re the reason why my soufflé fell!”
“You’re the one who dropped it!”
“This is insane,” Xander muttered.
Buffy bit her lip. “At least Molly’s, ummmm, she, unh, she means well?”
“You took me by surprise with your mental mutant powers!” Molly yelled as the sound of sword-on-sword clashing reached their ears.
“Man, I so wanna watch,” Theo said.
“No you don’t!” Xander and Buffy chorused.
There was a distinct, “Ow!” from Faith.
“Oh man, we really don’t want to watch,” Xander mumbled as he rubbed his face with his hands. “A kicked-ass Faith is never good even when it involves twenty toothy demons armed with pikes…”
“…I don’t even want to think about what she’s going to be like after getting her head handed to her by a new Slayer,” Buffy finished for him.
“You realize what this means, right?” Xander asked.
“No sweet lovin’ for either one of us tonight,” Buffy grumbled.
“By the Canyons of the Shu-shu Demons and the Darkness of Ribothen, I shall make you pay for this day’s work!” Molly yelled.
“Definitely no sweet lovin’,” Xander glumly agreed.
“I call dibs on the other bed,” Buffy said.
“Right. Floor for me it is,” Xander said.
“Think we could get her to change her mind?” Buffy asked.
“I’m sooooo gonna kick your ass!” Faith yelled back. There was yet another ringing exchange of swordplay that was interrupted by Faith yelling. “Hey! No hitting my ass with your sword!”
“Make that a big no,” Xander said.
Buffy and Xander exchanged woebegone looks, although Theo wasn’t sure if it was because they were faced with a pissed off Faith or a Faith-less night.
“Both,” they chorused again.
Oh. Theo hadn’t realized he said that out loud.
“So, lemmie get this straight. Vampires are real, demons are real, superheroes are real,” Theo said by way of changing the subject. “And Molly’s one of the superheroes.”
“Slayers. She’s one of the Slayers,” Buffy corrected.
Molly’s voice echoed. “Get back here coward! And face the wrath of Kendra, slayer of monsters, menace to mutants, scourge of the sand pirates…”
“Instead of handing me your fucking resume, put down the flamethrower and…”
There was a distinctive woosh.
“I said cut that out!” Faith yelled. “No singing the hair!”
“It appears your newest sister is down with the resourceful,” Xander nodded.
“Maybe we should’ve never taken her off the meds,” Buffy said.
Theo’s synapses finally fired as he registered the word ‘flamethrower.’ “Not that I’m an expert or anything, but maybe we should do something?”
“Faith’s got it covered,” Xander said with a wave of his hand.
“You may have taken my weapon from me, but victory is still in my grasp,” Molly declared.
“See?” Buffy said brightly. “Flamethrower gone.”
“Hey! Where’d you go?” Faith’s voice asked. “I turn my back on you for one second and…”
She was answered by Molly’s war scream. “YEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!”
There was the sound of wood shattering, followed by the tinkling of breaking glass, and an end full of nothing more than a deafening silence.
“Maybe we should…” Xander began.
“I. Am. Going. To. Kick. Your. Ass.” Faith sounded furious. “No more nice Slayer.”
“Maybe we should before Faith kills her,” Buffy agreed.
Xander and Buffy took off at a dead run, leaving Theo to saunter behind. He paused long enough for one last toke, look longingly at the dog-end of his joint, wish that he remembered where he put his roach clip, drop it on the ground, and grind out the burning end with his heel.
When Theo finally caught up, he was just about capable of registering a series of images: Buffy and Xander standing still with mouths hanging open, his shattered back porch, a single broken window, Molly holding Faith in a headlock, and Faith clawing at the arm around her neck.
“Hi, honey!” Molly said brightly. “Training is going well!”
“Urrgh!” Faith disagreed.
“Honey? Are you aware that your mutant heritage is showing?” Molly asked.
Shit. His eyes must be bright red. He should’ve never dived into the private stash.
“Glad to know Faith’s not the only mutant,” Xander said.
Molly’s cheerful expression disappeared as she focused on Xander. “Sand pirate!” she screamed as she let go of Faith and began running at the newest threat, this threat being a one-eyed, patch-wearing Xander who made the mistake of drawing attention to himself.
“Wait! Not a sand pirate!” Xander yelled as he ran backwards.
Faith moaned as she tried to get her breath back.
“Ex-sand pirate!” Buffy yelled as she jumped in front of Xander.
Molly halted. She looked to her left, nodded like she was agreeing to something someone said, and refocused back on Buffy. “Yes. I’ve seen this.”
“Kendra of the Oil Wrestling Pits of Simone,” Xander agreed fervently.
Buffy glanced at Xander over her shoulder. “You memorized the plots of all her movies, didn’t you?”
Molly jabbed a threatening finger in Xander’s direction. “But be warned. I’ll be watching you to make sure that you don’t betray us. You may still be working for Captain S’tolez in secret.”
Xander deflated. “Kendra of the Fire Ant War.”
Molly shifted into a fighting stance and gave a curt nod.
“Ummm, maybe you should’ve been tipped off that he was a sand pirate spy when he told you get undressed, pour honey all over your body, and march out into the fighting arena nude?” Xander asked.
“You really did memorize all the plots!” Buffy accused.
“If you betray us, I shall bring the wrath of Nigoth the Worm God on your head,” Molly said darkly. She suddenly brightened. “I’m hungry. Who’s up for lasagna?”
“She makes a mean lasagna,” Theo amiably agreed.
Faith was finally crawling to her feet. Bruises were blossoming out all over her arms, face, and throat. Theo saw Buffy and Xander exchange looks that, if possible, were even more woebegone than the looks exchanged in front of the house when they were contemplating a night without sweet lovin’.
“You only get some if you promise to keep your mutant heritage under control. There’s some Visine in the medicine cabinet. Use it before I change my mind,” Molly sniffed at Theo. She turned on her heel and headed into the house.
“That’s my babe,” Theo said cheerfully.
“Bitch is mad crazy,” Faith said with a mixture of irritation and awe.
“We better let her back on the meds,” Buffy agreed.
“Can I give that a big yay, especially if it means I don’t have to prove I’m not a sand pirate?” Xander said.
“So, what do you think?” Theo asked. “Is she something or is she something?”
“Definitely something,” Faith said as she studied her bruises.
Molly’s voice drifted through the broken window. She was singing something that sounded like a war song, complete with rhythmic stomping, in a language that not one of them recognized.
Theo, Xander, Faith, and Buffy stood transfixed in the backyard. Theo was beaming with pride. He wasn’t about to let the nervous looks on the faces of the other three get to him.
“Look at it this way,” Buffy said with a strained smile. “The demons of Pine Cove are in a lot of trouble.”